(THEME SONG PLAYING)
You'll never guess!
Topanga's pregnant!
She is?
Why'd she tell you and not me?
Are you the father of my child?
Hey, idiot. What?
You had news? Oh yeah, okay.
I got a job!
Hey, a job! Good for you!
Ask me what my hours are. Go ahead. Ask me.
What are your hours, Cor?
It's up to me!
Now ask me who I work for. Go ahead, ask me.
You know what I wonder?
What, what, what, what?
Who your boss could be.
Me! I work for me!
My boss is Mr. Me! It's all me!
Isn't that great?
I wouldn't like it, but it's good for you.
It is, Shawn. Oh, yes, it is.
And I can make between $400 and $5,000 a month!
Oh, no.
You see, I'm the lord of my castle,
and as the lord, I think it's up to me to provide.
And it's up to Topanga
to be my grateful French chambermaid, Fifi LeBanza.
You haven't actually said any of this to Topanga, have you?
Nah, this is just crap floatin' around in my head.
But that's the beauty of marriage, Shawn.
That's the golden nugget.
Nobody has to know nothin'!
I have news! I have news!
Me first? Like always.
Okay. I was taking the train downtown to check out some shoes,
just to look, not to buy.
And I was sitting next to this woman
who was looking at fashion photos,
and I commented, "Oh, I love that outfit."
So did she.
Turns out she's the editor for this fashion magazine,
and we hit it off so well, she offered me a job! Right there!
I'm her assistant, Cory! I got a job!
I'm really very proud of you.
What's your news?
Eh, I got a job, too.
(SCREAMS) That's great! Cory! We're a two-income family!
Tell me! Tell me everything! What's the job? How'd you get it?
Okay, okay, okay, so I'm walking down the street,
and I see this flier with the dollar signs on it.
Seen those. Go on.
Okay, so I called the number.
That's great! That shows initiative!
Yeah, initiative! Now I'm an entrepreneur!
What exactly are you doing, sweetie?
Selling magazine subscriptions over the phone!
Oh. Try again.
Oh! Good girl.
Yeah, "Oh!"
I can wear what I want, I can go to the bathroom where I want,
I can eat lunch when I want. It's great!
And I can make as much as I choose
between $400 and $5,000 a month!
I choose $5,000! Thank you!
Where are you working? Where are your offices?
In our living room.
Oh. Try again.
Oh. Not as good.
Hey, look. A penny!
Hey, was it heads up?
Is that the side with the head on it?
Yeah. Oh. Yeah, it was heads up. Yeah.
Well,
then you, my friend, are the proud owner of a lucky penny.
What? What, really?
I've never had one of these before. What are the rules?
It's easy, all right? It's just a superstition.
No, no. I feel something.
I felt something the second I touched this penny.
Why can't you just react like a normal person?
I am lucky!
What now?
Oh, he found a little shiny penny.
Oh. Do you want to see my lucky penny?
No!
My lucky penny!
Wow! This must be your lucky day, Eric.
No, no, no. Shh. Shh.
Not my lucky day, my lucky life.
It's a nice penny.
I see what you're trying to do.
You're trying to seduce me for my penny.
You caught me.
I'm hot for your penny.
Evil temptress.
Oh. Well, that's me.
See, if you had a nickel, I'd probably marry you.
That's how badly I want you!
Dude, gimme a nickel.
Hello.
Is this Mr. Leon Schanazzi?
Can you read?
Good for you.
Because I'm gonna read you our list of magazines.
Now, there's 700 here,
so please don't hang up before I finish,
because I don't like it and it's mean to me.
Ready? Here we go.
Aardvark.
Hello?
I told you not to do that, Schanazzi.
Now we're gonna have to start all over again.
Here we go.
Aardvark.
Hello?
Schanazzi?
You know what, Schanazzi?
You have a stupid name!
Cory, you'll never guess what happened to me at work today!
I can't talk now, Schanazzi. My wife's home.
I'll call you later.
Cory, I have the best news! I can't wait to tell you!
This is gonna be the kind of job
where I take Aspirin.
A lot!
How you doin'?
Hello?
Hi! Is this, uh, Donna Santiangelo?
Oh, great! This is Topanga.
Oh, you're so sweet. Donna's a great name, too.
Uh, anyway, I'm one of those annoying magazine people
who call at the worst time.
(LAUGHS) I know. Don't you just hate us?
Yeah! Like you're gonna sell a magazine!
I couldn't sell one magazine, and I'm in the business!
What?
Um, yeah, that's one of our magazines.
Uh-huh. And that.
All of them? Fantastic!
We'll bill you!
That was fun!
You sold a magazine?
Eight. You must have sold, like, 800!
How many did you sell? Tell me, tell me.
Perhaps you didn't hear me when I said,
"I didn't sell one magazine, and I'm in the business," 17 seconds ago.
Right. So, Judy, she's my boss,
she calls me into her office today
with two other associate editors.
She asks me for my opinion on what our first cover should be.
Apparently the other two hated the one I picked,
but Judy loved the one I picked,
and we're gonna use the one I picked!
Can you believe it? Me! The one I picked!
So she promoted you?
Yes! Isn't that something?
Everybody relax! Nothing bad can happen to you.
Nothin' at all. You're with me.
What's goin' on over there?
He found a lucky penny.
You really believe in that stuff, Eric?
Yes, Shawn, yes, I do.
I'm the chosen one. I'm protected.
I've got an invisible shield all over my body.
Watch this.
Rocco!
No, no, no, please! Come on, I don't want to get hurt!
Rocco! Rocco!
You know, I just hate getting hurt.
Matthews, you better have a good reason for bothering me.
Yeah, I... Let's go! Let's go!
I'm not. Yeah, I just... You know what?
I just want Rocco to clear something up for me.
Well, if it's your complexion, no can do!
(LAUGHING) My complexion!
Let's go! Come on! No, no.
Just real quick, just real quick. I just have one question for Rocco.
Hey, Rocco, just curiously,
um, as an athlete on the football team,
is it a distraction being gay?
Ahhh!
Thank you.
It's okay. What?
I've been holding it in for so long.
Fellas, I'm gay.
That's okay, Rocco, so are we!
Really? Yeah!
Oh, sure.
What?
This is impossible!
Oh, hey.
Just move the 9 to the 10,
Jack to the Queen.
Oh! Look! I got an ace.
I win.
Good job, Cory.
Yeah, I'm brilliant.
Well, work must be going well if you can take a break.
Yeah, well. I took a long break, you know?
I quit.
You quit? Why?
Because, Topanga, unlike you, I wasn't enjoying it.
Unlike you, I wasn't good at it.
Unlike you, I don't shine at everything.
I don't shine at anything.
Honey, what's bothering you?
Nothing, Topanga. I'm just... I'm in a mood, okay?
Well, is there anything I can do to cheer you up, huh?
Topanga know what Cory like.
No.
But I love you.
Wanna go home? Huh?
You wanna go home and have pooky-pook?
No, Topanga. No pooky-pook.
Why not?
Because, you're better at pooky-pook than I am, too.
Oh, look how cute! They're having their first fight!
Cory, I don't like that you can't talk to me about this.
Topanga, look, I just...
I don't want to say anything that I'm gonna regret, okay?
Do you think maybe we should leave?
No, no, no, no. I wanna see Topanga make Cory cry.
I mean, Cory, whatever bug you have up your butt,
why are you blaming it on me?
Topanga, if you're as smart as your "A" streak says you are,
you'd know just to leave me alone right now.
This is about my grades?
Oh! This is not about your grades!
Yes, it is!
(STAMMERING) It's about how you shove your stupid grades in my face,
or, how you get promoted,
or, you sell one of my subscriptions.
Wow. Well, I'm sorry I tried to help you
with your little magazine project.
It's not a project, okay?
Sticker books are a project.
This is my career!
Cory, come on. It wasn't your career.
Shut up! Yow!
Look. My life is just as important as your life,
even if I don't do my life as good as you!
As well as you. What?
I was just saying that it's not as good as you...
Are you crazy, Topanga?
Are you kidding me
that you would say something like that right now?
Cory, this whole thing is crazy!
Yeah, it really is.
Sit down! Yow!
Well, at least I'm not
a hoity-toity photo-assistant, kiss-Judy's-tushie!
Maybe I have to kiss Judy's tushie
because you can't sell one stinking magazine!
Okay, that's it, yeah.
What did you just say?
I just said that you haven't been doing all that well...
No, no, no!
That is not what you said!
You said I'm a loser, Topanga!
I know you said it 'cause I heard it!
I heard it from your big mouth!
Oh.
I have a big mouth now? Yeah.
You can't even play solitaire, imbecile!
Did you hear that okay from my big mouth?
You know what, Topanga? I used to be able to.
I used to be able to do a lot of things before I married you.
Congratulations!
You've killed my spirit!
I win.
You leave, I win!
(DOOR CLOSING) Bye!
Oh, man.
I said she killed my spirit.
Well, marriage is a new situation.
There's lots of new stress on you.
You know, this is our first fight ever.
What am I supposed to do?
Well,
she left crying.
You know, my mother and father fought all their lives,
and one of them always walked out.
One day, one of them never came back.
It's bad, in my experience, when someone walks out crying.
So, what do I do?
You go home.
You hope she's still there.
Oh, no.
And if she is, you lock the door and have it out.
Like a steel-cage match?
No one leaves until the fight's over.
(STAMMERS) I just... I wish I hadn't said what I said, you know?
But you did.
So, obviously, something's bothering you.
What? Don't figure it out with me.
Those days are long gone.
There's only one person who can help you here.
And it's me.
Eric, no.
Why don't you cram it, talkboy?
That's all you're good for, is talk.
"Oh! Talkity-talk, talkity-talk, talk, talk! Talkity-talk! Yak!
"Oh, look! Oh, look! It's great!
"Trailer boy's got all the answers!"
Yeah. You know something, trailer boy?
There's one thing you don't have.
Bam! Penny!
Hey.
I love you, Cory. You're my brother.
That's why I'm gonna give you my penny.
Eric...
That penny's been so lucky for you.
Now it's gonna be lucky for you.
If I could just have a second.
Okay.
Thank you, penny, for all you've taught me,
for you have taught me confidence,
and with that confidence, I know that I no longer need luck.
So I intend to go on my life, penniless.
(STIFLED SOBBING)
Oh, Eric, that's very nice.
Are you sure about this?
Mmm-hmm. (CLEARS THROAT) Okay.
Good luck, old gal.
You should take care of her.
And yourself.
All right.
Bye-bye.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
That's weird. Looks like rain.
Good thing I'm inside.
Well,
at least I didn't get wet.
Thank you.
Oh, no.
Topanga?
Topanga!
I'm here.
Hi.
You're playing solitaire?
Yeah.
'Cause I was alone.
I played 19 games.
Did you win 'em all?
Sorry.
Yeah.
Look, could you put the cards away? I need to talk to you.
Oh. You have something you want to say to me now?
I'm sorry about what happened.
I'm deeply, deeply sorry.
You know?
And, uh...
I do take back what I said to you.
Uh-huh?
That's all I get, is "uh-huh"?
Topanga, I just apologized.
Now it's your turn.
No! That's not the way it works!
What, I don't apologize good enough for you, either?
Oh, is that what that was?
You haven't said anything for an hour.
I'm afraid to say anything!
Why? I don't know!
You know.
I think I know better whether I know or not, okay?
Well, then I guess I know you better than you do.
Of course you do, Topanga.
Cory, unless we tell each other what's going on,
then we cannot be truthful.
This is our first fight.
Ever.
Then let's make it mean something.
Tell me what's going on.
You want the truth? Truth.
Sit down. I'll be happy to tell you the truth.
Ever since I've known you, okay,
I had an idea, you had a better one.
I got a good grade, you got a better one.
I get into Pennbrook, you get into Yale!
I didn't go because of you!
I understand that, Topanga. Believe me.
That's all part of this.
Go on.
So I got a job,
but you, of course, you get a better one!
What's next?
I mean, Topanga, I understand that you're better than me.
Okay? But why? Why do you have to shove it in my face?
You think I'm better than you?
I know you are.
I mean, you make me not think very much of myself.
I do what?
(CRYING) I've killed your spirit.
Topanga, don't.
I've caused you pain.
No. Look. I'm okay.
I would never want to cause you pain.
I want you to be happy.
Everything I ever did was just trying to impress you.
Really?
No.
Sometimes.
Sometimes for me.
Mostly for me.
Twice for you.
A lot for you.
Why for me?
Because I always knew you were worth it.
Why?
Because you believed in us.
You were the one who held this relationship together
when I was afraid of this relationship.
You were the one who taught me to have faith in love.
Me?
I don't want you to ever feel bad about yourself.
And I don't want you to ever hold yourself back because of me.
So what do we do?
We have to support each other, Topanga.
And we can't be afraid to fight with each other.
But I'm scared of you.
Cory, sometimes in our lives,
you're going to be doing better than me... When?
...or I'm going to be doing better than you.
And we're back.
But if either one of us is doing well at all,
it's because we love each other.
We have to always remember that.
We're not competing. We're a team.
I would never want to kill your spirit,
because I love your spirit.
All right, Schanazzi.
Now, you're gonna buy a magazine.
You know why?
Because I'm bringing in the wife!
You know why?
Because when the two of us work together,
ain't nothin' gonna stop us!
Hello?
Hi. I'm the wife, Topanga.
What?
Well, what kind of a name is Schanazzi?
(WHISPERS) That's what I said.
He doesn't want to talk to me.
What do you mean? He wants to talk to you!
All right, Schanazzi, let's have it.
Yes. Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Goodbye.
Well, what did he say?
He just bought a one year subscription to Aardvark!
Why?
He said I was the most persistent person he ever met!
He did, huh? Yeah.
You know, I think it was a compliment.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Penny.
Hello?